DECC Press Release
For IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DECC SCRAPS NEW NUCLEAR AND COAL-FIRED POWER STATIONS
LONDON (8 December): Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change (1), Ed Miliband, today announced the scrapping of all proposed nuclear and coal-fired power stations in the United Kingdom. Britain's energy security will instead be augmented by a massive array of renewable energy sourced from his own back-pedalling.
In a retrofit indicative of the government's ongoing commitment to insulating against power loss from both its houses, Mr Miliband stated that people- especially the Plane Stupid activists who occupied a taxi-way at Stansted this morning (2)- had misconstrued what he told the Environment Agency (3) and the Gaurdian (4) about the necessity of “people power” to pressure politicians. “That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all” he said. “I've always been considered one of the dynamos of the Cabinet, and with this new back-pedalling generating scheme, I have the chance to show just how much I can achieve.”
DECC plans to have Mr Miliband chained to an exercise bike (possibly a tandem with his brother the Foreign Secretary). The bike will then be hooked up to the national grid. The Chief Scientific Adviser, John Boddingtons, has calculated that the energy produced by their collective back-pedalling should generate approximately 24MW, enough to avoid the construction of the controversial coal-fired Kingsnorth power station.(5)
NOTES TO EDITORS
www.decc.org.uk is a spoof website, in case this wasn't obvious yet. It is not the official government website. You can find that at www.decc.gov.uk
57 activists occupied a taxi-way at Stansted Airport on the morning of 8th December, delaying planes for several hours. www.planestupid.com
In a speech on November 25th, Ed Miliband stated “We need people not just to come with us, but to push us for more. We need popular pressure - pressure on me, on local councillors, on our public services and businesses.”
In an interview with the Guardian newspaper this morning Mr Miliband was quoted as saying "When you think about all the big historic movements, from the suffragettes, to anti-apartheid, to sexual equality in the 1960s, all the big political movements had popular mobilisation," said Miliband. "Maybe it's an odd thing for someone in government to say, but I just think there's a real opportunity and a need here."
As a comment on the Gaurdian website put it: “What a clever man, Mr Miliband. So if politicians, who have the power, don't get things sorted out, then the public can be blamed for not having enough rock concerts.”
Baseload electricity generation requirements will continue to be met by capturing the energy generated by the routine spinning, ducking and weaving of the political classes.