Nature article on ursine defecation patterns...

The prestigious journal Nature will not be publishing this article in a forthcoming issue.

The persistence of ursine defecation patterns in arboreal and sylvan eco-systems: rhetorical artefact or empirically proven?

Marc Hudson, Matthew Bright & Cassidy Irving

ABSTRACT: The question of the specific nature and site of ursine mammalian excretory processes is one that has exercised the rhetorical skills of homo sapiens sarcasticus for a considerable period of time. Given the frequent reference to this conundrum in demotic speech, it is surprising that this topic of lively debate has not been examined systematically. Paleo-ontological excavation of coprolites would indicate persistence of this behavioural trait through geological epochs. However, no meta-analysis of available scientific studies had been conducted. The authors review the literature and conclude that further well-funded research into this vital issue- alongside the nature of theological orthodoxy in the Vatican's leadership- is required. We offer a short list of suitable recipients of any grants that would be forthcoming.